Tuesday, 30 December 2008

• To Live and Let Lie

  I've found that since I decided to tackle all the things I fear the most, my creativity has exploded...and in new and deeper ways. Art, after all, is emotion unhindered.
  And my latest project? My Converse boots. I have been embroidering them for the past six months, and finished them last week. I must say, that I am not pleased with how they turned out. Quite the contrary...I am exceptionally surprised at the beauty of them, and they exceeded all expectations I had. Not only that, but they are, in fact, my journey on canvas. They are beyond symbolic...they are a piece of my very soul. The design is entirely my own, and scripture based. And so, without further ado, here they are!
  
  
  
  
  
   
  
  
  (The pattern starts at the bottom of the right boot, curves up and around to the back zipper, and continues at the left zipper where it curves down and around the left boot.)
  
  
  
  

  Roots- Ephesians 3:14-19
  "This is my prayer for you...that you would be rooted and grounded in love"
  Vine- Habakkuk 2:3
  "For these things don't happen right away, but slowly steadily surely the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled"
  John 15:1-2
  " I am the True Vine, and you are he branches"
  Flower- Matt 6:25-30
  "Consider the lilies of the field, which are clothed in more splendor than Solomon, but if God so clothes the grass which today is alive and tomorrow is gone, will he not much more care for you?"
  Tears- Psalm 126:5
  "Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy"
  

  
  These boots turned out to be far more than I imagined. Funny how much that parallels to my life at the moment.
  Like I said in the beginning, my art has soared recently. I think its because I'm finally become comfortable with being me. As a kid I decided early on to never to aspire to be an artist. Artists were conveyed to me, to be starving nobodies following dreams that would never come true. Misunderstood outcasts of society who are often intelligent, but rarely successful, and very often just adult daydreamers who never got a grip on reality and have far too open minds that almost cross into the realm of the insane. But not quite.
  Failures.
  They were early on labeled in my mind, though (secretly) I wanted to be one. Because deep down I knew thats what I was. But somewhere along the way I concluded that I had to be a scientist to be successful. Not that I don't love science (because I thoroughly do) but that I had to run with that desire and deny myself the pleasure of art. And if I did want to indulge in art, I had to make sure it was really really really good and that I at least stood out in the art world. Only one problem. I wouldn't allow myself to make mistakes. I had to get it perfect the first time. But how can you improve if you won't let yourself mess up? You can't. So I was stuck. Wanting to express myself but scared to death "myself" wasn't good enough. I simply wouldn't forgive myself for being human.
  But, after all, if I can't have grace for myself, how in the world could I have grace for others? And if artists were mislabeled in my mind, how many other people/things? Dancers, myself, my parents, my teachers. I had a warped perception of them all. And I still do in several areas. But to undo what has been done one first must identify the problem (or in my case stop labeling and "identifying". After all it was my need to label the problem and try to fix it that was my problem in the first place.) I had to, first and foremost accept myself completely for who I am...warts, sins, shortcomings, characteristics, beauty, and all. The good and the bad. Let myself be me...completely. Come to terms with the fact that I am artistic, and that's not a bad thing. Only when I accept my good and bad traits can I do the same for others. Accept them, forgive them for their shortcomings and sins, learn to deal with it, go with the flow and keep going. I'm learning that not only patience, but grace and forgiveness are virtues as well. I even had to do this with my eating disorder. When I was a teen I had the misconception that anorexics were selfish addicts who were shallow and only cared about fashion. Only after I was anorexic myself for over a year did I realize that this was anything but true. And I had to come to terms with that as well. But you know what came out of it?...my boots (along with learning to play the guitar, taking up ceramics, teaching myself the Socratic method of philosophy, dabbling in French, and making my dog a raincoat out of an old air mattress). Or rather, my artistic freedom. Sure, it wasn't easy. And it was highly messy and confusing at times. But through accepting myself I've learned to let the little things slide, pick up after mistakes, not to sweat the small stuff, and to generally just enjoy being human. Messes, sin, weirdness, shortcomings, misunderstood-ness, and all. After all, if we were all perfect, life would be rather boring.
  
  "Blessed are the flexible, for they will not be bent out of shape."
  -Some wise guy
  
  ~Finding freedom to take after the Creator
  

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