Monday, 10 November 2008

• Currently Reading The Shack By William P. Young see related

  Paper Cuts Can't Kill You

  God~ "I never left [Jesus], and I never left you."
  him-"That makes no sense to me," he snapped.
  God~ "I know it doesn't, at least not yet. Will you at lest consider this: When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?"
  
  "...pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly....And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were created to fly in the first place."
  
  ~"The Shack" by: William P. Young
  
  Its been a a year. An entire year.
  I still can hardly believe that a year ago today I was standing in her empty house staring at her perfume bottles on her vanity and thinking about what we would do in coming years for thanksgiving. Walking around the house, knowing it would be my last night in it ever. No more Micky Mouse pancakes. No more movie marathons on her couch late into the night. No more staring out the back window waiting to see the chipmunk find the nuts we left for him. No more hanging hundreds of Chrystal angels on her tree while she unpacks them and reminisces about praying over me as a baby in the hospital.
  Last night I stood...wearing her favorite pin, fingering her perfume bottle, and thinking about it all. How quickly it happened, and yet how the moments crawled. It truly feels like it was yesterday that I rode in the car to the funeral, staring out the window and the blur of trees with quite tears rolling down my cheeks, hidden by my large black hat. I remember that weekend, how horrible it was. Loosing my voice, sick as a dog, overwhelmed with grief. It was all I could do not to purge, it seemed like her death and my ed were consuming me. What a weekend that was.
  And yet its gone.
  One of the things I have the hardest time grasping is that time does not stand still. It may seem like it, but it is constantly moving. Or rather, we are. Time is not something that moves around us, as if we were fashioned for it. On the contrary, we move through it. It was shaped to suit us, and we are constantly passing through it. So often I find myself thinking that I'm stuck, that I'm bound to a dead end, unable to move, unable to change. But we are creatures of change, in a world of constant motion. Not just because we move, but because by its nature, and ours, it is unable to stand perfectly still. Sometimes, like the rotation of the earth, it is so subtle we cannot feel it but the motion and growth is still there. Growth is a form of motion. It is a byproduct of it. Interwoven with it, even. Pain is similar to time in this way as well. We are moving through it, it does not move through us. It is not the focus and subject, we are. Sure it may dent us as we pass through it, but that is because it is bouncing off of us. It may clip our wings and convince us we were not made to fly, but it cannot keep us from moving. All it can do is delay us for a while. Stall us as long as it can, but eventually we will pass on. We are always moving, always changing, always becoming.
  This year has been a hard one, full of pain and I was convinced it would never end. That things would not only stay stagnant but probably get worse. But it seems just the opposite has happened. I may have lost my Aunt, but I will see her again. And in the meantime I will focus on the memories she left behind, and the beauty of the future that awaits me.
  Sure things may get worse in some ways, but it will eventually get better. And in the meantime he will see us through. Not just watch us get through, but carry us. That, as children of God, we are guaranteed. Loosing her has been hard. Remembering her beauty even harder to bear, because of the realization of it being gone. But unlike last year, I am not stuck in my pain. And it is not stuck in me. Last year the pain was overwhelming, not just because it was fresh but because I had no idea how to deal with it. I believed it would overtake me, that it could literally kill me if I let it. But pain does not have the authority to do so, it is simply an emotion. Even when I become overwhelmed at best it will last a little longer than a day and that is quite rare. Then, it was everything. It was my morning, my nightmares, my main focus, my everyday, my concern. Now it is tone in the background that comes and goes. It does not rule me because I have learned it can only if I let it. My eating disorder was a was to escape from my past, but then I realized my past is already gone. I'm no longer in it and it can no longer harm me. I would starve myself to distract from the pain, then I realized that it was just getting me to focus on it, convincing me that I was damned to carry it around forever. That I couldn't get rid of it and that I was forever bound to my mistakes and my pain, and the mistakes and pain of those around me. But by starving myself I was only believing the lie and agreeing with it and therefore causing myself to relive the pain over and over. I was pushing the replay button when I didn't have to. And neither do you. I'm not saying to ignore the pain or the past, but rather walk through it. And then realize you still have life. It may have stripped you of your joy, your innocence, even your time and beauty. But it can never strip you of your character and your future. You are still you, and you are still moving. God is still God and he is still with you. Nothing, and I mean nothing can change that. Because he is outside of it, and in a way so are you. Like an ant nibbling at the toes of an elephant pain can cause irritation and mess up your day, but it can never completely take you down. Its impossible. So don't let it convince you that it can.
  I'm not.
  
  
  ~finding the past is not where I am
  

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