"It helps so much to be punished; it feels so kind, like the only gift
I have to offer. I don't deserve to live and I want to show you I know
that. I need you to see it on my face so you can receive some
assurance, some inkling of my regret, some idea that I am sorry. There
is no way to tell you, no way to express my sadness, no means to make
obvious the guilt in my heart, the knowledge of my evil, the compassion
you deserve, the pain I have earned. Let me hurt myself, let me do
good...."
-The Secret Language of Eating Disorders
One
of
the reasons I took to my ED so readily was the thought/feeling that it
was a way to communicate myself. A way to express my own awareness of
my unworthiness...for life, for love, for good, for food. I fear
greatly the thought of someone (especially someone I love) not seeing
me. Not so much that but not seeing my awareness of my own state. I
often feel completely inadequate at communicating my desires, motives,
and ultimately my awareness of my own insignificance and your
worthiness of more than I can give (and my inadequacies to provide for
your
needs). But even when I get past that and stop hurting myself (because
i know it hurts those who love me) I find I deny myself, even of small
things, because I feel unworthy. Not even on a great level most days,
but subconsciously.
Thursday was hard again. The first day in months I've had a hard time
eating. I feared I was slipping backwards, slowly almost undetectably.
Almost.
And
I know what started it. The week started out hard. It was looking up,
but I ate while studying with friends for a test I'm afraid I will fail
(plus they are seeming to excel). Its not that I'm having that hard of a time
with it, but its the fear of failing. Either way, I found myself
staring at a six dollar salad I barely ate and giving into far too many voices this week.
What is it going to
take? I believe in complete healing, but why in the world haven't I
received it yet? Maybe its just that. Maybe I have to receive it. He is
willing to give it, more than willing even, but I have to reach out my
hands and accept it. I keep asking myself what I have to do to get it, but then again, maybe its about what I don't do. Making an effort to stop trying so hard. When you have a broken leg what do you do? You put
your feet up for several weeks. But to heal, you must make a conscious
effort to accept healing. To recognize you are worth it, you need it
(and your needs are good things, you deserve to have your needs met),
and that the only way you are going to get it is to let yourself. There
are lots of things I don't let myself accept, not out of pride but
because I believe I don't deserve them. Warm showers, for instance.
Notice I didn't say hot showers. I take hot showers all the time, steaming
hot showers. Not because I like it, but rather the opposite-
to scald
myself on purpose. At first it was a way to distract from the voices,
then the voices told me to continue because I deserved it. I wouldn't
allow myself to temper the water. There have probably been months where
my back has been consistently raw because of it. And parking spaces. If
there is an open parking space close to the front, without fail I will
pass it, looking for one farther off just over the thought that there
could be a mother with young children somewhere in that parking lot
just wishing for a space close to the door. Hitting the snooze button
on sat mornings, walks with my dog longer than fifteen minutes even
when I have more than enough time, the first slice of a pie (I will go
out of my way to find someone who will eat the first piece), buying the
bagels that cost 20 cents more because they taste better, and watching
more than one movie in a span of two weeks are all things I deny myself
of (among many others) on a regular basis. No, make that a consistent
basis. Now I'm all for conservation, saving money, giving to those who
need it, and making the most of your time. But when I won't indulge in
any simple pleasure when it is no cost to anyone else, I have the money
and the time, and it is not only harmless but can be a good and
productive thing...that's when we have a problem. Somewhere along the
line it crosses into pride. Not just the instant pride that comes with
the knowledge that you are capable of denying yourself of something
others seem to lack the self control over, because that is not always
present and prevalent, but rather a more subtle brand a of pride. One
that is ultimately an usurp of God's authority. By saying I'm not worth
something and that I inherently don't deserve it is directly going
against God's definition of me and what he says I am worth. And by
doing so I'm implying that I know myself better than God does, which
implies that I am more intelligent than God- which is ultimately pride.
To further this, when I believe those voices (telling me to deny myself
of something good) I am insulting God because all good things come from
him. It is ultimately a recognition of who I am because of who he is.
He is worthy and, being created in his image, I am worthy also. Worthy
of good, simply by being. That I do not deserve punishment, evil, or
even the withholding of good. I am no longer evil because I have been
washed by the blood of Christ. (The evil I recognize is not me, but
Satan. Evil does not desire its own demise, but rather good does.) But
how can I receive his gifts if my hands are clenched behind my back? It
is not simply enough to say "yes I would like your gift". And so what
must I do? Accept it. Accept his grace and mercy that are so readily
available. Accept the fact that I am loved, cherished, beautiful, and
worthy of good things (and that to deny myself of such is sin). So that's what I have done. I tried on my own to change my mind, but it was
to no avail. And on several occasions I have even asked God to change
my mind, to forgive me of my denial, and to help me go a different
direction only to find myself exactly the same. But then I realized
what I needed...to take the gift he was offering. To lay down my sin, ask for forgiveness, move on, and
accept healing. Let him do the work. So I have. And you
know what? He has changed me. Yesterday I took a warm shower without
even noticing. And today I'm taking a nap, simply because I know my
body needs it (and I really want to, hee hee). When I look in the
mirror I don't automatically view myself as ugly. In fact, the idea of
doing so seems a little weird even. And food? I'm enjoying it. Not
making a point to because I don't have to. I simply do. I don't even have to try to like it, or think about it, or make myself get past the nervous knot in my stomach when eating with people
because its not there. I can literally tell a
difference between my mindset today and what it was two days ago (wow,
was it really only two?). And I can honestly say it was not my own
doing. He has changed me, and I am happy to say I'm accepting it, and
rejoicing in the new and good.
~finding I am worthy, because he is
Comments (7)
You're very worthy
and you're right, it comes down to pride. Have you ever read Kafka's short story "The Hunger Artist" about a character who's enamored with his own starvation? I think that pride is a hidden root to many of the sins that prevail in our times.
oh my word, your blog is whispering so much truth to me. I hope this doesn't sound creepy, but I just want to read all of your posts through and through. Your strength is beautiful. Your reliance on God in the healing process is so real to me...it is so difficult to recover with all of the walls we have built up around us...but you help me to see how much God wants me for His own and wants me to heal THROUGH him. Thank you.
That looks like an amazing book...I think I will order it on amazon!
I really relate to your entry about your haircut. I had very long blonde hair throughout high school and college, and it really was the only part of me that I felt was physically beautiful. I decided to do a fundraiser when I was a sophomore in college and I raised over $3000 to support kids cancer research. As part of the fundraiser, I shaved my hair off...right down to the peach fuzz. I mourned my hair, too...but it help me find beauty in myself in other ways. Hair doesn't make you beautiful, it makes you attractive...it's spirit makes you beautiful.
And, for the record...I LOVE your short hair. Mine is finally a little longer than yours is right now...after 2 1/2 years of growing it out :)
This whole post made an awful lot of sense to me. It's a curious thing, to feel unworthy, yet know the truth. I wonder why it's so hard to accept...
A lot of truth in what you say.... a lot of good truth. God is God, and we are not. God is the healer, not us. When we try to figure out how to heal ourselves, we are met with pain and disappointment... how gracious our God is...
Thanks for writing. I enjoy reading it.
thanks for posting again. i so needed to hear those words, and to hear them again and again. i am having a big struggle in some of the things you shared. thanks for pointing me toward the truth.
you. are. so. worth. it, dear heart.
Every week i look forward to Wednesdays. Thank you for not trampling, dear. You don't know (or i guess you do...) what a breath of fresh air that is.
i have a story about lies.
will see you soon dear one. <3
Hey, I saw that you stopped by my site. Hope there was at least one thing there you found worthy of wasting 5 seconds on (perhaps the nice colors?).
Seems I've been coming across a lot of anorexics and atheists lately, almost as if I'm meant to help them. That's good you believe in God. If you need help from a stranger, let me know!
Take care!
Chris