"Although sufferers of eating disorders have been subject to negative
caricatures of selfishness and victimhood, they are in reality
purveyors of the most positive virtues available to humankind."
"[Sufferers]
have somehow come to deem themselves shepherds to the flock of
humanity. [They] are caring of their families and the universe.
They are humanists of the first degree. As concerned environmentalists,
the ozone layer, poverty, sickness, and the plight of the whales all
immediately capture their attention."
"In their minds, they are attempting to adhere to what they perceive as society's dictates- to please others before themselves. They do not strive to be the best because of their inherent sense of superiority and duty; they do it to try to prove their worth to others because they lack an internal sense of self."
-
The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by: Peggy Claude-Pierre
College....
Late nights, study groups, peer pressure, tests, papers, mid-terms, parties, greek clubs, cram sessions, pop quizzes. It can be overwhelming. And even more so if your working a (practically full time) job, living on your own/supporting yourself, and readjusting to being back in school after a year's absence. All of which I am doing. I'm not complaining in any sense, just saying it can be stressful.
And the past two weeks have been very much so.
The entire time I've been saying to myself "Just keep going, it will be fine. You'll get the hang of it. If you will just try harder you'll learn to like it. Eventually you'll adjust and then, maybe then, you'll be amazing."
then I realized something...I've been telling myself that for the past four years. And I thought "who am I trying to convince?!?" Myself. I keep thinking if I do something different, if I try harder work longer, study better, maybe one day it will all fall into place and I might actually be good at it. If only I could change myself. But then I thought "Why?? Why, exactly, am I putting myself through this?" And then it hit me. I feel trapped into it. I feel like I have to. I have to get a degree. I find myself saying that ALL the time. Over and over and over again. I have to get a degree. For my parents, for my niece, for my future husband (after all, he won't want to mary a dummy), and ultimately for society. That somehow that would make me worth something. That I'm not a good daughter/sister/aunt/potential wife/citizen if I don't. I have an overwhelming sense that its is my duty as a member of society
to better myself in every way I can, and the best way to do that is to
get a degree. Because who are the ones that are held the highest in
society as a whole? Models, politicians, actors, and anyone who holds a
degree. And what better way to better myself that than get a degree? After all, if I don't have one people won't take me seriously, and if they don't take me seriously how can I help them, and if I can't help them what good am I?
But you know what?
My value and ability to bless are
not dependent upon a piece of paper. Would getting a degree be a bad thing? Probably not. Would it teach me how to learn better and sharpen certain talents and skills? There is a definite possibility. But college is not the only way to grow, and I most certainly not attend JUST because I believe that is what someone else wants me to do. Its funny how when something is off or I'm particularly stressed I automatically assume that the problem is my fault. In this book the author talks about how most people say that the ones who relapse after attending an eating disorder clinic "failed" it. That they couldn't work with the system. But what if we said the system didn't work for them? And I must admit lately I've been thinking that way about school. That maybe, just maybe, its not that I'm not right for the system but that the system is not right for me. That just perhaps, for once in my life,
its not my fault. That the reason I'm not taking to it like a fish to water is that I'm not a fish. I'm a bird, and birds cannot nest on the riverbed no matter how hard they want to or try to adapt. I need to stop trying to force myself into this ideal I have created in my head. This standard for beauty, life, and conduct. Scales should not rule me and neither should grades or anything else. Maybe school just isn't for me. Am I going to drop out? No. At least not yet. I've committed to this semester, and shelled out major dough for it, and I want to see it through. Plus I need to make sure that this is not simply a desire to cop out because things have become difficult (though I seriously doubt that. This has been on my mind since I started college four years ago). I need to finnish what I started...to a degree (no pun intended, ha). But most of the time I don't feel like I am allowed to quite something if I want to. That the "good girl" would stick it out because thats what builds character and that is what would be best for everyone involved. That I will somehow suffer punishment if I do. But I cannot live in fear, and I cannot live my life for someone else. Yes these things build a part of our character, but we cannot sacrifice other parts of it in the process. It would be counter productive. Besides, God will tell me what to do. And in the meantime, yeah I'll stick it out. But I do not have to make myself believe that this is what I want, if its truly not. Because after all if your not happy, how can you expect to pass that joy on?
~finding feathers instead of scales
6999C61E-AA28-813A-2926-0C666CD550A4
1.02.05
Comments (16)
Ooh, new profile pic
that said, yes, this idea of pedaling really fast so we can bike to nowhere land is terrible. I need to stop keeping so many late nights; it's not healthy, and it makes me cranky and susceptible to bad habits. And with that said, I go to bed. 
Nice reading a post from you again!
Aren't you lovely? (The answer is: yes!) It certainly has been interesting going back to college after a two-year break. Now that I am about seven years older, with four years more experience, than most people I attend classes with, it is quite a different perspective. But knowing that Christ has missioned me to this place, to these classes with these people certainly helps to motivate me and keep me on task. Hang in there! You are blessing a lot of people, including me!
You sure put up nice profile pics! Mine is from my senior year of high school.... seven years ago!!!!!
yipee! new profile pic. nice.
see...you are learning something at school.
and a piece of paper does not deifne you. you are an awesome and amazing woman. i think the good girl is not really the person to sitck it out (and continue suffering?) but the person who relizes that she has options and should please herself. and i agree...if you are not happy, how can you pass happiness on.
I think you're on to something. You are who you are - and you shouldn't try to change that. If college is not who you are - and not where God wants you - then there is another place that will fit you better... no, not fit you better - but actually FIT you. The bird doesn't just not thrive in the water... she can't be there at all.
So, yes, I think it's a good decision to stick out this semester... it will better whether or not you decide to stay. And I feel like I'm really vague whenever we talk about this subject... I guess it's because I want to make sure you make YOUR decision, a decision that's not jaded by what I think. And it's not like I know the answer anyway. God does, and He WILL tell you. And I will support whatever decision you do make - not because I'm your best friend and that's what I do... but because I trust in your ability to hear from God and make a good decision. Go you!
Thats a great book quote. AND I love your background. AND I love your username. Haha, its all pretty great.
i can't believe thisl you basically just wrote out all my thoughts :)
i'm thinking all these things too, and i'm thinking like you... it's true; everything you've written is true
you're a good writer, glad you PLUGZ-ed your site, gonna check out more of your stuff :D
keep it up x
You're brave, Fair Lady. No more scales and bones... in more ways than one. Shedding those nasty old scales and jumping out of the water that so long bore suffocation.
Could it be that we were not meant for water? Or that water was not meant for us.
No, its time to come up for Air.
I was reading your post so intensely and without blinking that my eyes began to water and sting!
It's too bad college can't be just going, making some friends and getting what you went there for.
All that extra crap has to come along with it for a lot of peeps somehow.
I'm not even a student but just seeing students on campus and hearing passing conversations as I sit and walk and use the computers, I can see the hardships and struggles that you sort of mentioned going on and feel the stressful vibes lingering around.
Glad tos ee you boosting your confidence, self worth and positive mindset/thinking :)
Not easy but you're an encouragement <3
-es
That's wonderful. I mean, not the part where you're having a hard time, that part's not good, but everything you say hear is just so mature and healthy. And, to me, you seem so very brave. I can sort of imagine quitting school, but it's terrifying. I can't see it going anywhere good. And it really scares me to have no plan. But you're right. Sometimes people don't work for the system, but sometimes the system doesn't work for some people. Anyway, you've got a good plan (finishing the semester as you continue to think about this). I hope you figure out what's right for you and will make you happy.
@OhItWontBeForever - haha, thank you =] glad you can relate. I'm really glad I plugged it too! it seems to have brought some awesome people my way. Thanks for saying hi! looking forward to seeing more of you <3
@PrincessaTreNella - don't forget to blink every now and then!! =P
aw, thank you, your so sweet. glad you stopped in, feel free to stick around =]
@stuckinthemirror - wow, I would never describe myself as brave but anyone else going through the same things I would.
ha. I forgot to mention the part where I paniced for three days at the very thought of dropping school. ha. yeah, its still scary, but I am going to drop out next semester. My future may be unknown to me, but its not to God. Thanks for the comment dear, I'm praying for you <3
I don't know you (yet) but I so agree with you. After being forced to take a medical withdrawal from college for the rest of this semester, I am pondering these same questions as I try to find out who I am apart from college. It really is a huge expectation, that we must get a degree in order to be good, but I think it's a wrong expectation, and one that hurts a lot of people.
I'm really glad that you can think so positively about this whole issue... that helps so much in realizing who you are and what your worth is, as a person, independent from all the other stuff.
good luck to you! I hope you have a lovely week :)
I like this post a lot... I don't know what to say to express that. How you can show love to another because of Christ's love to you is what our calling is as Christians... and it's not dependent on being in lofty positions or showered with fame... but on being what you are, created anew in Christ by the Spirit, loved by the Father. Thanks for the reminder, Amber...
My mother is a fish. (That was a Faulkner joke/reference....)
Haha, well, I'm glad I could be of inspiration! I know, I know, it really is too bad that we can't study French together. T'would be a "hoot and a holler", as they say! Yeah, I love making jokes in French. Whenever my teacher makes us write sentences in French during class, I'll write the most violent things I can with my small vocabulary (things that roughly translate to: I like to kill the animals) or ridiculous things (Est-ce que tu aimes danser avec le professeur?). Half of the time I have no idea if what I'm saying is right, but who cares? It's funny, right?
Thanks for the comment! Your picture is, if I may say, very cool as well.
So in answer to your two questions: the second is easier and shorter than the first: I thought of the phrase "alley-oup," and then decided, why not "alleygoop"? It was extraordinarily random, but I sort of like it.
To answer why I post pictures of sheet music, haha: well, I'm in love with lilypond. It's a notation program whose primary focus is on creating sheet music that is beautiful.
(For instance look at this picture. The one on the left is the ever-popular "Finale," which has dominated the sheet music scene for I think over two decades, and the one on the right is Lilypond, out for about ten years, and all supported in the effort of people doing this in their free time.)
In addition to writing a program that follows the tradition of human-engraved music, it seeks to be robust and extensive in its flexibility... meaning, I have in my possession a free and open-source program (meaning it can be edited by anyone who wants to contribute to it) that I can use to literally make my music look however I want! Like, make the note head larger, the stem longer, the beams on the notes further from the note heads, and the most complex rhythmic figure I could ever hope to create! And the program automatically takes into account what I've entered and does an awesome job at determing how the paper should be formatted to make the entire musical whole as clear as possible (e.g., things not mashed up against each other).
While there is some customizability with those expensive "mainstream" notation programs, there are just some things you can't take away, as you can see in the picture I posted above: the more popular, more expensive product makes the music look like a computer spit it out, all exact and pointy and technical. Like I said, Lilypond is *beautiful*!
Hahaha... way too long of an explanation, eh??
So why's the sheet music called "Cabadath"? This music that I wrote out on Lilypond is the music that is played on a harpsichord by one character in this small, but very well done, game in a unifying adventure game series created by one Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, sort of remiscient of games that were created in the late 80's and early 90's (of course, which I grew up with
). The character is a pretty horrifying demon, but in this moment in the game, he's seemingly obliviously playing this tune on a harpsichord, and it's so eerie, but I couldn't get it out of my head, I thought it sounded so cool! ...so, I listened to it over and over and wrote it down, haha. (If you have the picture on my site handy, here's what the music sounds like, and you can follow along. 
)
...oh dear... I've gone and written way too much...! Hopefully this will persuade you to write another post soon.
Well, I too have been guilty of naps. I took a five hour nap after dinner yesterday.
But now now I'm awake at 5AM...and I feel like my days are upside-down...
Don't stress yourself out too much over college. Keep it simple, because it is simple - study hard, and do well. :)
To keep your motivation up, just focus on why you are doing what you are doing. If you're not content with the reason, find one that you are content with, and adhere to it. The rest will eventually follow.
I know you can do it. :) You seem like a very smart and intelligent person. I also want to say thank you for visiting my blog, and I really hope I get your feedback again in the future!
I'll see you around. :)