Wednesday, 24 September 2008

• New Endings and Old Beginings

  "Have you cried over it yet?"
  "what?"
  "Have you cried over it being gone yet?"
  "Um, no, not yet. I am a little sad its gone, but I really like it the way it is now too."
  "Well, its really cute on you."
  I ran my fingers through my chin length hair as my boss said goodbye and walked out.
  Its gone.
  That's when it caught up with me. I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor sobbing. Over nine inches of my hair. Gone. Its not that my hair was short that really got to me. I had been thinking of getting it cut for months. What was it that bothered me so, when just half an hour before I was excited about it? I've gotten rid of the one thing about me that was beautiful. Wait a minute. Seriously? That is what was bothering me? A realization of monumental proportions hit me just then. I feel that short hair is "cute" while long hair is "beautiful". That I can't be one without the other and that I couldn't be beautiful without it; that a part of me was missing. Do I miss my long hair and all the fun it was? Well, sure. It took me over two years to get it that long and I could do a lot with it. But it was also a pain too. Plus I really like having short hair. There's nothing wrong with it, in fact it can be quite pretty. But I feel a pressure that there is a subconscious connotation in our culture that a woman is only stunningly beautiful if she has long hair. And how many more of these ideals do we face? Tons. A woman also has to be thin and have a job as well as children. That she has to desire a career and be a size 2 to have the most value. Because they don't want to say that she only has value if she has these qualities, they will simply imply that she has more value if she does. But having long hair isn't who I am. And my beauty is not solely dependent upon that. My true beauty and worth come from Christ and who he has created me to be within. So if that's the case, why am I still putting so much of my identity in my physical appearance? Because I have yet to define who I am on the inside and realize my inherent value. And I'm scared that by trying I will only find out that I am not what I greatly desire to be...beautiful, treasured, good, and lovely.
  
  "so dear amber...how do you see yourself and who do you feel you are?" (buddy71)
  
  That indeed is an important question. One that has been rolling around in my head for weeks. And though I have not found the entire answer I am learning just who it is I am. I used to define myself completely differently, even just a year ago, and I am learning that even that year ago I was an entirely different person. I know a lot of people say that, and I even have in the past, but this time it rings wholly true. I am by no means who I was even six months ago. I used to define myself as such:
  Abused, beaten, downtrodden, with good intentions, quiet, quick to learn, a child trapped in an adult body, mildly creative, day-dreamer, tries hard (get the implications of this one?), people pleaser, invisible, reader, perfectionist, failure, and alone.
  My senses were on overdrive and anxiety born of an overt desire to self defend and a fear of failure ruled my life. I was paranoid, self abusive in every sense, hypersensitive, quick to take on too much blame, and extremely hidden (to my friends, family, and even to myself). The turn around has been so drastic that I don't react to circumstances in even slightly the same ways. Like cutting my hair for example. Then I probably would have brushed it off and it would have mildly affected me because of my constant self-numbing and repression of my feelings. Now It affects me deeply, but I'm learning something from it and rolling with the punches. Learning how to keep moving and how to see myself for who and what I am. The change is so very different that I don't even recognize myself some days. I went back and read about a years worth of my old xanga from about three years ago and the difference is like night and day (I don't think I can even describe it fully. To see for yourself, go >>HERE<<). Reading it makes it hard for me to believe that I once wrote it. That it was mine. It feels like another person wrote it. And in a way they did. Because I'm not who I was.
  So who am I? A very good question indeed. And like I said, though I don't have that answer in its entirety, I'm getting there. And I'm learning how to define myself:
  I am Amber. The creative, quirky, deep, empathetic, compassionate, thoughtful, introverted, people loving, extravagantly dreaming, photographer, artistic, poetic, and beautiful woman with a deep knowledge of grace and a growing sense of who God is and who I am in him. I am a daughter of God, bought, sealed, and seen as his beautiful beloved. I am a former anorexic continuing on the path to complete healing who knows how to believe in futures. I am a treasure, a Jewel, a strong capable glorious woman, not because of anything I have done but because of who He is. I have seen many mountains and valleys and have fought many battles, but by the blood of Jesus I am victorious. It has been a long hard road but He has been faithful to see me through and I know how to trust that he is not done with me yet. I am growing, and the journey has just begun.
  And you know what?
  I'm excited to see whats in store just around the bend. I'm excited to discover who I am, and just how amazing He is.
  
  "I wish you could see me now
  I wish I could show you how
  I'm not who I was
  I used to be mad at you
  A little on the hurt side too
  But I'm not who I was
  Well the thing I find most amazing
  In amazing grace
  Is the chance to give it out
  Maybe that's what love is all about
  I wish you could see me now
  I wish I could show you how
  I'm not who I was "
  -Brandon Heath
  
  ~finding I am me and He is He, and just how wonderful that can be
  

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